I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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