I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
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So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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