is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
