Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
