Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
