A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
