i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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