Will you blow on my dice?
i think my tv is drunk
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just had sex on a roof
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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