Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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