Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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