My sheets look like a crime scene.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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