My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
