I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
