Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Found your dick twin last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
