why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
