I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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