I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
