Moan for me like Helen Keller
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
