You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
