Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I enjoy the company of your penis
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
