not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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