Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
