She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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