Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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