In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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