you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
