She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
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I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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