Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
