im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
