Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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