I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
