you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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