i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
