The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
