I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
