I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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