I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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