captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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