I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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