awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
