we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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