he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
