I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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