Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
