Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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