plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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