I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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