I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
