It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Houston, we have a blender
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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