You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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