this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
