Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
