Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she pinky promised me she was 18
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
