You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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