She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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