I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it was like his penis was on wheels.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
