Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
