If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
